10 questions to ask before your wedding

By Sheryl Smolkin

According to weddingbells 65% of weddings in Canada take place between June and September with 25% of weddings taking place in the month of August. I don’t know the month when the most divorces are granted, but according to 2008 data from Statistics Canada (the last year for which it was reported), the divorce rate has been relatively stable for the last 20 years, fluctuating between 35% and 42%.

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m a big fan of marriage. In November of this year we will celebrate our 40th anniversary. But considering what’s at stake, it’s well worth asking your prospective spouse a few important questions before you say, “I do,” so you don’t have to unravel the whole thing a few years later when you realize what you really meant was, “I don’t.”

Here are 10 things I thought of. No doubt you can think of others:

  1. Religion: How important is religion to each of you? If you are of different religions will one of you convert? If you have children, in which faith will you bring them up?
  2. Children: Do both of you want children? How many? How soon? If you cannot have children together is it a deal breaker? Would you consider adoption if all else fails?
  3. Childcare: Did one of your parents stay at home to care for you and your siblings? Do you believe there should be one stay at home parent in each family? If so, which one?
  4. Abortion: Legally a woman gets to make the decision if she is going to terminate a pregnancy. She may make this decision in a variety of difficult circumstances including personal health problems, lack of viability of the child or if she was a victim of rape. Do both parties share the same personal and/or religious views about abortion?
  5. Debt: There is nothing that can take the shine off a relationship faster than finding out later rather than sooner that one or both partners have significant credit card, student loan or other consumer debt. Be completely open about the state of both of your finances and consider how to get them in order before you walk down the aisle.
  6. Money management: How will you pay the family bills? Will each of you contribute the same amount monthly or pro-rate expenses based on income levels? Will you consolidate your finances or maintain different bank accounts? Who will be responsible for managing and reconciling accounts on a regular basis?
  7. Pre-nup: Is one of you older or more affluent? Have one or both of you been married before? Is one of you part owner of a family business? In these circumstances your prospective spouse may ask you to sign a pre-nuptial agreement giving up some of your rights on divorce. If so, be realistic and get independent legal advice before you agree.
  8. City vs. country: Where will you live? Are you willing to trade off a smaller apartment in the city for a detached house in the suburbs and a daily two-hour commute? Is living in a rural area on a huge lot a priority or is it important to you to be part of an urban community?
  9. Household chores: Are both of you neat freaks or is one of you a slob? Who is going to do what in the home and how often? If both of you are working are you open to hiring someone to do regular house cleaning for you?
  10. Resolving conflict: Can you discuss your feelings openly? Every couple has disagreements. How will you handle yours? Are you willing to consider counseling if problems arise the two if you can’t handle easily?

Relationships are dynamic and the discussions you have before the big day are not cast in stone. But if you build your life together based on open communication and shared values, chances are greater that when you encounter inevitable roadblocks down the road you will find a way to work together to overcome these obstacles.

 

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